Hong Kong, do I call it my home?

Hello everyone! Haven’t posted here for so long. If you’re reading this, please remember that you’re beautiful and I hope you have a great day.

I’ve never introduced myself here since I started this blog so I’d love to take this opportunity to do so, as to give you more background information before you continue reading. As you all have already known, my name is Cissy. Yup, sounds pretty odd aye. I was born and raised in Hong Kong. When people ask me where I am from, I say ‘Hong Kong’, not China. Yes, Hong Kong is part of China, but is NOT China. We speak Cantonese, not Putonghua or Mandarin. We use traditional Chinese here, not simplified, I’ve never learnt simplified Chinese so it’s normal if Hong Kong people are not able to read it. Also, under the principle of ‘one country, two systems’, Hong Kong has its own legal system and that I’d like say Hong Kong is very different from China.

Since I was really young, like really young, I never found a sense of belonging here in Hong Kong. Don’t ask me why because I really don’t know. I felt like I was born in the wrong place. I just wanted to leave this country. I didn’t think and feel that I belonged here. I still have that feeling at some point. I never kept up to anything that’s related to Hong Kong. If any local readers are reading this, you might hate me by now, I don’t really care because that’s how I feel and I’m sharing my thought with you all, but please try to understand that sometimes some people really can’t fit into a country, and they just don’t know why, and I happen to be one of them.

As I said, I don’t keep up to anything related to Hong Kong, let alone the news here or even political issues, but seeing what’s currently happening out there in the city upsets me and makes me feel so mad. For the first time, I feel like there’s a place in my heart belongs to Hong Kong, and that I care about what’s happening and the people who are out there fighting for the country where they call it home.

I believe many of you may have heard of the situation now in Hong Kong where citizens have been protesting over China extradition bill as to protect their home and what they already have. Yes, I use ‘their’ because I really don’t know if I can consider myself as part of here even though I was born here. Before expressing more of my own opinion, I’d like to declare in advance that I don’t know about the bill in detail. I’m just expressing what I’ve known and seen so far. So please take that note before any of you start judging. Of course, any friendly and kind comments are welcome.

The government has been rushing to pass the bill and they are using the murder case happened in Taiwan as an ‘excuse’. However, Hong Kong people are not happy about it because the danger behind this bill is unbearable (check out what the bill is exactly about here, I don’t want to give out wrong information). That’s why you see heaps of people protesting and showing their dissatisfaction in the street. Sadly, Hong Kong government and chief executive Carrie Lam don’t give a feck. ok shit is getting real here. IM SO SAD AND MAD RIGHT NOW UGH.

Basically the government is doing their own thing (rushing to pass the bill) and Hong Kong citizens are doing their own thing (protesting), but let’s get this right, the government is not the entire Hong Kong, meaning that they can’t make ANY decision for Hong Kong citizens where they have been saying a big fucking NO to the bill for a million times. As you all can see from news here and there, the government doesn’t really care what the citizens think but rushing the bill to go through the second and third reading so that the bill can be passed. Therefore, citizens had to voice out even louder just in case the government can’t fucking hear which caused the ‘mess’ you see where many groups, lawmakers, or even citizens, have gathered and led people throughout this whole protest thing since last Sunday and even today of course. BIG RESPECT TO THOSE WHO WERE/ARE OUT THERE!

My dumb ass has been staying at home watching live broadcast of the protest today, along with my bitch mouth talking back to people online who disrespect the ones out there fighting for their home. I know that’s not enough, and you can read back to how I feel towards this place, and I also understand how you can’t put yourselves in my shoes(?). Ok, the protest wasn’t a ‘mess’ or a ‘riot’, the government called, before Hong Kong police tried to get their hands involved unreasonably. I do understand the police have to do their job to protect HONG KONG CITIZENS, NOT just the government, and they have to maintain public order. Fast forward to the time when protestors were protesting and marching in a safe and orderly manner, hellooo. Up till now, all they want is to show how unhappy they are towards the decision that the government has made for Hong Kong citizens, to hope that the government can think from the citizens’ perspective and the danger that they will be put in, instead of thinking the bill will “protect” them, and that the best way is to withdraw the bill. Yet, the voice of Hong Kong citizens is still being ignored by the government meanwhile Lam is probably in her coma and the police have been trying to shut the citizens’ mouths by using pepper spray and tear gas.

Let’s be real. Violence can never solve problems. But I’m wondering if police can use violence and weapons to citizens who have done nothing to harm the city? Just because they are the police? A man who was just a bystander but got pepper sprayed in the face by the police. A lady who was crying and was attacked by tear gas multiple times trying to ask the police to stop hurting the protestors but then got pepper sprayed in the face. The police were wielding batons randomly or even beating protestors, firing rubber bullets and tear gas, dragging a person and pushing him or her onto the ground with A GROUP of police beating that ONE person, most of the police were geared up. Countless ridiculous shit that the police have done to protestors but let’s not forget they are Hong Kong citizens too. Is it necessary for the police to purposely or ‘carelessly’ hurt protestors as if they were their enemies? If any of you have watched the videos online, you probably can see how the police would target a person then let out all of their hatred and anger towards him or her. I am not saying all of the police are fucked in the head. I’ve seen some police communicating with protestors nicely on news and videos (probably 1/20 police) which is great and that’s what both parties should be doing and respect one another. 

It is very upsetting and heartbreaking to see so many protestors got injured and sent to the hospital just because they wanted to protect their home. I keep saying that because it is true and that’s what they have been doing but what they have got in return was broken bones and bleeding faces. Would you not protect your home when it’s in danger? Those injured ranged between 15 and 66 years old. None of the protestors deserve to be hurt. Hong Kong citizens want their home meanwhile the government and the police seem to want their lives. I thought Hong Kong was one big family. Hong Kong citizens are, but the government and the police are trying to tear them apart. Aren’t we all a part of this city? Where did their humanity go?

To those who were/are out there throughout this protest thing, you’re one of the heroes of Hong Kong. Please don’t blame yourself for anything because you’ve done your best today and you have all my respect while my lame ass is just sitting here typing this shit which probably no one will read. A big salute to you warriors!

Today, even the sky cried for this hefty city. Yet, it’s so beautiful to see lights shining from those valiant souls.

 

*for those links, i apologize that some of the vids are with Chinese captions, but i just wanna show y’all what actually happened during the protest

*some hk people might agree with the bill and i respect that but pls leave your opinion to yourself because i don’t give a shit about it. what i’m saying here is that we all believe whats the best for hk is withdrawing the bill because the danger we could be put in is hella jkdfssmflaksd

 

 

Breaking up

Breaking up is common and normal in this world. How about finding the one true love that will walk with you no matter how hard things get, is that common?

Just because breaking up is common and normal, the world set this rule for us that we can fuck around and just leave when things aren’t right, when things get difficult and complicated, then we get annoyed at each other, we scold at each other, or even put hatred on each other….. Did we forget what we said or even promised? That we’ll walk together hand in hand through ups and downs, no matter WHAT happens?

But look at us, we all humans stick with that one rule – we leave when things get complicated, because leaving can put everything behind without taking up all our energy, as easy as flipping the next page of a book. However, I would rather write this book with you.

I’m still waiting for the one who will write this book with me, instead of forcing me to turn the page, or even tear that page.

Selfish

Do not expect others to be there for you.

The only person that can be here for you,
is you.

Be there for yourself before you are there for others.
Care about yourself before you care about others.
Pick yourself up before you pick others up.
Make yourself happy before you make others happy.
Love yourself before you love others.

It’s no one’s job to take care of you, physically or mentally.
If someone does, it’s because s/he sees you as if you’re part of him/her, and s/he treats you as the way s/he treats him/herself.

But remember, never lose yourself. You are you.

Was it my fault?

When you witness someone turning into a stranger, someone that once loved you and said words of how much he would change and try to make us move further together to a better place, and now he’s just someone that escaped and threw all his words behind as if they didn’t have any meaning, but to me, I took every single word to heart.

I sometimes blame myself for not treasuring what I had and that this might be my fault causing this…

They say those love you truly will stay by your side no matter what, they won’t leave you just because you fuck things up (not including cheating ok), but stay and support you thru ups and downs, if one’s tired, the other one will take the turn to help pick the other person up, and together, we walk further, together, but was I wrong?

Was I wrong to love someone unconditionally that I gave him my everything, everything that I had, but turned out I was just a no one. I fucked things up, I admit that, but was it the reason why he left? Was I wrong to give him so many chances when he fucked up?There’re endless things I was to say but all he did was leaving things unsaid.

Too much to say………

 

Letting go…

After trying for so long, you held onto something you once thought it was so important to you and that you thought everything would be worth it at the end…

I treasured every moment I had with him, I fucked up, I learned, and I moved forward with him, wait, that’s just what I thought, I was wrong.

I held onto it because of the memories we had, he showed me a side of the world where I never got to see before, and he accepted me at my worst time, just once though, I appreciated it, that was one of the worst times of my life (other than that, he never knew or was there for me when I needed but I don’t think it’s appropriate to rant here). Most importantly, I was just simply happy when I was with him. But things weren’t as simple as they seemed or I thought.

As cliche as it sounds, life’s full of ups and downs. It’s all about how you deal with every thing you face. I thought he would go through every single thing with me no matter what, up or down, good or bad, easy or hard. It’s okay to argue sometimes, to me, I feel like we could learn from that and start working from there, and we could move forward together to a better place.

I was hurt, he was, too. We did hurt each other. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and I’m sure I will continue making more mistakes, so will he, and you will too, because we are all human beings. As long as we learn from the mistakes we made, learn from them and never do them again. It’s not about how many chances we give each other, it’s about how much you learn from the mistakes you made.

We can’t talk as if words had no meanings. We learn, we talk, and we work on it. If one’s action never work upon his/her words, s/he hasn’t learnt. If s/he said s/he would work on it with you and that s/he would keep trying and change for the better, would you trust him/her? When s/he has said quite a lot of times. Sometimes I feel like I was being played by the words he said. I gave all the chances I had to him, hoping things will change, but was I too naive?

It’s come to the point where I feel numb and emotionless, meanwhile, I realised that it’s not about how hard we try. No matter how hard I tried to explain my mindset or “logic” to him, he’s not willing to listen, but I’d always listen to his opinions because I want to get to know more of his world. It’s different to him. To him, I was annoying, just because I liked to share all my stuff to him, every single thing, good or bad. He was a part of life, I thought that part of my life would share my pain, my pressure, my sadness,  as well as my happiness.

I was wrong again. Even though he once said I was the most important and special person in his life, somehow I think the statement was so wrong to me. If I was, he would do anything to make this work and maybe he didn’t love me as much as he said; meanwhile, I was trying to improve myself, for me, for him, and for us. I hope he was too.

At the end, I realised that the reason why he didn’t want to listen to my opinions or try to think of what I said to him, it’s because we have different values. For those who are reading this, you might think that I am so one-sided, but I did try to think of where he was coming from, and again, that’s why I said we have different values. No matter how hard I tried to understand or listen to him, his point of view was too different and that I feel like he never tried to understand my “logic”, maybe he did but he just still did his own thing, and you can tell if he did because he’d work upon it.

No matter how much I was willing to work on it and adjust myself and go further, we could not be on the same page, he thought we were, but I feel like I thought further than what he thought.

After all the pain, I can’t say if it’s all worth it anymore, or if i love him still. I still miss him. I miss the memories we made and thought that we would make even more in the future as we said. The words he said to me as if they had no meanings. The promises he made. The fact that I will never see him again (because we’re in a LDR and we’re from different countries)…… but I’m drained.

Letting go might be the best thing to do right now. It hurts, it really does, but somehow I feel relieved and free.

treasure what you have

Have you ever thought of what you would become in 10 years? 20 years? 30 years? Not what job you will get, but where you will be and doing in terms of life.

Time goes by faster than we think. When we look back, it always feels like things happened ages ago, where it was just a few months before, and you will find that a lot have changed from time to time.

When time goes by, you will be growing and preparing yourself for the future, for your own family, for what’s ahead of you; meanwhile, everything around you moves along with you, including people, especially your family and your loved ones.

However, what if one of your loved ones just left you tonight and you’d never get to see him/her again. Would you have any regrets in your head now? You didn’t kiss him/her a goodbye before s/he left the house? You didn’t hug him/her tight while sleeping because of a fight that night? You didn’t tell and show him/her how much you loved him/her? You didn’t give in in this one fight and caused the both of you so broken? Or more?

You never know what’s going to happen in the next second. Everyone is going through different things in life and the only thing you can do to help each other out is to be nice. A smile can mean a lot to someone who’s having a bad day. A thank you can warm someone up. A compliment can lighten someone’s day.

When it comes to your loved ones, no matter your family or lover, love hard before you will regret.